NO-SEE-UMS

I saw a no-see-um the other night and it freaked me out. I mean, if you can see a no-see-um, what the fuck is going on here? I also have floaters, which further complicates the whole thing. Supposedly, no-see-ums means you can’t see them, right? There’s nobody there, and yet you have these vicious little bites all over your body. Even if you’re wearing clothes; even if you have a sweater over your shirt, your entire body is itching like a son-of-a-bitch. Floaters, on the other hand, are visible. You see-um. There they are, floating from here to there. But-- and this is the major point -- they’re not there. Okay? They’re like Tinkerbell. Sometimes you can see her; sometimes you can’t. She wafts in; she waves her little sparkly magic wand and poof -- she’s gone. But was she there? Only If You Believe. That’s the deal. So, c’mon people out there in App-land, you believe in floaters, don’t you? If you do, if you really believe -- clap your hands! That’s right, Applanders -- clap your hands so the little fuckers don’t die!

All right, let’s take a break. Now that I have a scientific, measurable, provable sighting of a no-see-um, the whole world of quantum mechanics comes into focus, which I will now explain to you: Is it a wave? Is it a particle? Who the fuck knows? You know?

Moving on: They’ve put these little snags on the tops of plastic bottles so that when you unscrew the top, it won’t come off all the way. The top is wired to the bottle with this little plastic snag, so whatever you’re pouring dribbles all over the table. Or onto your shoes. It’s good for the environment.